I walked into my first ketamine journey having never tried any kind of mind-altering substance. I was terrified but ready for a new experience that could help me along in my healing journey. On top of that, I had spoken with Thomas (Dr. Swahn) and felt confident I was in good hands. He had explained that it would be a weird experience, and that it is best to simply lean into the experience and keep an open mind. I took all of that advice to heart. It helped that I was already 3 years into a deep meditation practice (The Work of Byron Katie) that helped me to keep my mind open.
Where it Started
I grew up with untreated depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and PTSD. To say that I’ve been on a long road of healing would be an understatement. By the time I started working here, I was definitely ready to try ketamine.
The day of my first ketamine journey, I sat in an incredibly soft and cozy recliner in the “Space Room,” a room filled with space-themed tapestries, rugs, and decor. There was a pleasant smell coming from the wax warmer on the table, a cozy blanket on my lap, a blackout eye mask, and noise-canceling headphones.
Thomas asked how I was feeling. I told him I was excited but terribly nervous. He reassured me that I was safe and that he would be here for me every step of the way.
I asked whether I would say something weird during the journey. I was very concerned that I would somehow say something embarrassing. Thomas explained that, like someone who is being hypnotized, I wouldn't do or say anything against my moral values. He also reassured me that I was in a safe space and that anything I said would be held confidential. If you've met Thomas, you've probably noticed he is very knowledgeable, friendly, honest, open, easy to talk to, and easy to trust.
Thomas patiently answered every question I had. Never once did I feel like a bother for asking so many questions. I also noticed the complete ease in his manner. Seeing his confidence helped me to feel assured that I was in good hands, and I certainly was.
The Kick Off
For the journey, Thomas recommended Jon Hopkins' album: Music for Psychedelic Therapy. He described the music as strange music you wouldn't just listen to for enjoyment, but music that is perfect for a psychedelic experience.
He couldn't have made a better recommendation.
The moment the music started and the infusion was running, I felt a deep sense of relaxation. With eye mask in place, headphones piping the most beautiful music, and being nestled in an extraordinarily soft and comfy chair, I was off on the journey of a lifetime.
One of the first things I remember experiencing is the sensation of the chair coming up and enveloping the sides of my head, almost as though I was sinking into a big, fluffy pillow. I had to check the recliner at the end of the journey to see if it had a feature that caused it to cuddle your head. No such feature was anywhere on that chair. I had the sense that the entire chair was gently wrapping me up, cupping me in its proverbial hand, and just holding me like a mother would hold a baby.
"I felt a part of everything. It wasn’t alarming at all; it was perfectly peaceful and comforting."
The images I saw were on a dark backdrop, often looking like I was in outer space. I was in a space pod of sorts that looked more like a roller coaster car with a giant glass bubble over the top so that I could see in all directions. There were beings on both sides of the car I was in—almost like a pit crew of sorts—and they were busily working and communicating with each other. I didn’t understand the language they were speaking, but I could telepathically understand the message they were sending to each other. All of their communication was focused on taking care of absolutely everything so that I could just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
I did exactly that. As the mother of four children, it had been a very long time since I was able to simply let go of everything and completely relax, knowing there was nothing for me to take care of. It felt so good! It was like I was on a very gently gliding roller coaster, taking a ride through space. I could see countless stars, and I felt completely serene. At one point, I noticed that my salmon-colored shirt and I had melted into a giant pool that was everything and everyone, and I felt a part of everything. It wasn’t alarming at all; it was perfectly peaceful and comforting.
When Thomas came in to check on me, I asked him, “Does it taste salty in here?” I had a salty taste in my mouth. He said something like, “Not to me, but it could be salty in here. Do you taste salt?” “Yes,” I said. Thomas is very good at answering interesting questions in a way that does not contradict the experience a client is having.
A few times, I saw some scary images that looked like African masks coming toward me. I told them to go away, and they went away. After the journey, I told Thomas about these images and he very astutely said that when a person is on a journey and encounters scary images, it is suggested to simply ask the images, “What are you here to teach me?” Thomas explained that these images are all from the mind, and that they are not there to hurt me. They are only there to help; to point out something I might need to see.
In subsequent journeys, I took Thomas’s advice and asked the scary images what they were there to teach me. To my surprise, when I asked that question, they would often disappear in a puff of tiny particles. My guess is that most of those scary images were in my journeys to teach me that they are nothing but images, and images can be changed in a flash.
The Effects
I ended my first ketamine journey feeling entirely relaxed, held, supported, trusting, and calm. I also felt hungry, and food tasted absolutely amazing! I later learned that ketamine enhances the user’s senses temporarily.
In addition to the enhanced senses, I also noticed an enhanced ability to exist in the world without feeling self-conscious about anything. I wasn’t worried about how my hair looked or how my words sounded to people. I felt completely comfortable in my own body for the first time in a very long time—possibly the first time in my life. I also felt comfortable asking for what I needed while I was still dizzy and recovering in the recliner: a drink of water, a snack, etc. In my normal state of mind at that time, I would have felt incredibly bashful about asking for anything from anyone. It was absolutely incredible to feel the same love, concern, and acceptance for myself that I believed I felt for other people.
People often say that they remember their first ketamine journey the best. I would say I am part of that group. It was one of the most profound and life-changing experiences of my life.
- Written by Adrienne Robinson
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